𝗗𝗮𝗺𝗻𝗲𝗱 𝗜𝗳 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗗𝗼, 𝗗𝗮𝗺𝗻𝗲𝗱 𝗜𝗳 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗗𝗼𝗻’𝘁: 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗧𝗿𝗮𝗴𝗶𝗰 𝗗𝗶𝗹𝗲𝗺𝗺𝗮 𝗠𝗲𝗻 𝗟𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗪𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗔𝗻𝗱 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗥𝗶𝘀𝗲 𝗢𝗳 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗠𝗮𝗻𝗼𝘀𝗽𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲

Understanding the crisis facing men and boys—and the rise of the manosphere—requires acknowledging a harsh reality:

For many guys, purpose and wellbeing are a zero-sum game. One comes at the expense of the other. Just like health and work often do for a lot of us.

According to Dr. Brendan K. Hartman, a men's health researcher, men and boys who adhere to a rigid view of masculinity tend to have a stronger sense of purpose but also suffer the worst mental health outcomes. And those around them suffer too. [1][2]

Decades of research show that better mental wellbeing comes from opening up to our emotions and developing a conscience. [3] However, for traditionally masculine men and boys, that's a huge threat because feeling uncomfortable emotions like vulnerability feels like losing the very identity they depend on to survive.[4]

Why? Because their sense of purpose—and their drive to provide—is rooted in emotional suppression. To stay focused on personal gain, men need to disconnect from empathy and compassion. So they're stuck: either have purpose and lose their mental health, or focus on emotional wellbeing and lose their sense of purpose. [5]

Richard Reeves, in his book Of Boys and Men, highlights how modern society has failed to adapt to the specific developmental and psychological needs of boys and men. He argues that while opportunities for women have expanded dramatically, many men are struggling to find a place and a purpose in a rapidly shifting economy and culture. Reeves points out that boys are falling behind in education, men are increasingly disengaged from the workforce, and traditional markers of male success—like stable employment and family roles—are slipping out of reach. His work suggests that many men aren't clinging to rigid masculinity because they reject progress, but because they’re desperate for direction in a world that no longer offers them a clear path. [6]

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝘂𝗹𝘁? 𝗠𝗲𝗻 𝗳𝗮𝗰𝗲 𝗮 𝗯𝗿𝘂𝘁𝗮𝗹 𝗰𝗵𝗼𝗶𝗰𝗲:

Shut down emotionally → Have a better chance to gain financial security, power, and status—but become numb, disconnected from self and others, and miserable. [7]

Stay connected to emotion → Retain a sense of integrity—but struggle in a system that rewards ruthlessness. [8]

Right now, there's no real alternative for most men. A man with a conscience is at a significant economic disadvantage to a man without one. A man truly in touch with his feelings can't exploit people or the planet—but most successful businesses do exactly that. [9]

Yes, a small percentage of men manage to find a balance between emotional intelligence, ethics, and success—but it's rare and mostly rooted in privilege. Just because someone leads the emotional intelligence program in a corporation doesn't mean they're not complicit in its ruthless pursuit of profits. Just because you're a wellness influencer doesn't mean you're not benefiting from platforms and sales strategies that exploit. [10]

Many women say they want a man in touch with his feelings—but survival, let alone success, often demands shutting those feelings down. And those same women often want a provider, or at least a partner on their economic level. It's a deeply confusing and contradictory message for many men. [11]

On top of all that, therapy is expensive. Most men can only even consider emotional healing once they've made enough money from exploiting others to afford it. [12]

So when men who prescribe to a rigid view of masculinity hear “get in touch with your feelings,” it can feel like a scam—a ploy to rob them of their masculine identity and keep them weak. Hyper-masculine influencers know this and exploit it ruthlessly, fuelling the rise of the manosphere: a growing network of websites, blogs, and forums that promote rigid masculinity, misogyny, and anti-feminism to disenchanted men and boys. [13]

𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘇𝗲𝗿𝗼-𝘀𝘂𝗺 𝗴𝗮𝗺𝗲 𝗶𝘀𝗻'𝘁 𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹—𝗶𝘁 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗹𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝘁𝗼𝗼.

Left-wing movements, which value empathy and collective care, often struggle with cohesion and leadership. They lack the traditional masculine drive for hierarchy and dominance. Right-wing movements, by contrast, seem to hold power more easily by rallying behind their leaders—even the incompetent ones—and leaning hard on narratives of self-reliance and scapegoating. [14]

.

Just like men who suppress emotion to succeed, governments that prioritise dominance over compassion may achieve power—but at the cost of wellbeing for citizens. [15]

𝗡𝗼 𝗘𝗮𝘀𝘆 𝗪𝗮𝘆 𝗢𝘂𝘁

The tragic dilemma is this:

The world rewards emotional detachment but punishes the suffering it creates. [16]

Until we redefine our vision of success—from individual gain to collective wellbeing—and properly incentivise that shift, most men will remain trapped in a system that forces them to choose one form of self-destruction or another.

And that self-destruction affects everyone.

"The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth."

— African proverb

References

Hartman, B.K. (2023). Masculinity, Purpose, and Mental Health in Young Men. Journal of Men's Health.

Wong, Y.J., Ho, M.H.R., Wang, S.Y., & Miller, I.S.K. (2017). Meta-Analyses of the Relationship Between Conformity to Masculine Norms and Mental Health-Related Outcomes. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 64(1), 80–93.

Green, J., & Kauffman, L. (2016). Opening Up: The Role of Emotional Awareness in Well-Being. The International Journal of Psychology, 51(4), 226-237.

Kilmartin, C. (2010). The Masculine Self (3rd ed.). McGraw-Hill Education.

Mahalik, J.R., et al. (2003). Masculinity and Mental Health: The Role of Masculine Norms in Psychological Well-Being. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 44(4), 331-347.

Reeves, R. (2022). Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male Is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do about It. Brookings Institution Press.

Goffman, E. (1959). The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life. Doubleday.

Spector, P.E., & Jex, S.M. (1998). Development of Four Self-Report Scales for Job Stressors. Journal of Applied Psychology, 83(4), 606–617.

Bourdieu, P. (1998). The State Nobility: Elite Schools in the Field of Power. Stanford University Press.

Binns, S. (2020). Wellness, Exploitation, and Corporate Success: The Paradox of the Wellness Industry. Journal of Social Business, 12(2), 108-119.

Burk, J.B. (2018). The Duality of Women’s Expectations of Men: Work, Success, and Emotional Availability. Journal of Gender Studies, 27(2), 157-173.

Kessler, R.C., et al. (2005). Prevalence and Treatment of Mental Disorders in the United States: Results from the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. Archives of General Psychiatry, 62(6), 617–627.

Ging, D. (2019). Alphas, Betas, and Incels: Theorizing the Manosphere. Men and Masculinities, 22(4), 638-657.

Femenías, J., & Sánchez, L. (2015). Political Ideologies and Their Relationship with Gendered Behavior: A Study of Left and Right-Wing Masculinities. Political Psychology, 46(3), 1003–1021.

Gergen, K.J. (2009). The Saturated Self: Dilemmas of Identity in Contemporary Life. Basic Books.

Jackson, P. (2014). Reflections on the Personal, Social, and Collective Wellbeing in Contemporary Society. Sociology Compass, 8(7), 832–842.